Catullus and the contradictions of existence

I. Crucified by love

Background: Gaius Verius Catullus (84-54 BC) was a Latin poet famous for writing love poetry addressing his lover, to whom he attributed the pseudonym Lesbia. Out of the love poems he wrote, 116 survived.

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris

nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do it

I don’t know, but I feel that it happens and I am tormented.

— Catullus 85 (addressed to his lover, Lesbia)

“Odi et amo” - In three Latin words, Catullus captures the irrationality of humanity. He juxtaposes hatred and love, two opposing emotions. The contrast further emphasizes his paradox; he wants to love Lesbia, but is torn by her infidelity. His emotions are at odds with one another, fighting continuously. The common translation of this introduction ("I hate and I love") does not accurately represent Catullus’ feelings. Instead he cannot trust her, forming hatred, yet still lusts for her.

Readers are immediately thrown into a state of confusion just like Catullus himself. It seems strange on the first read why he would not focus on controlling himself and his emotions. Catullus himself does not quite know, denoted by “nescio.” He intentionally dissociates himself from his emotions by referring to his state as “it” (id). Catullus seemingly cannot control it; his emotions are a separate being, an autonomous entity. He “feels that it happens” — the intransitive verb “fieri” (happen) further stresses his lack of power. Catullus cannot do anything; instead it happens.

With the final word, “excrucior,” Catullus brings the poem back to the first, most memorable, three words - “odi et amo.” The verb “excrucior,” meaning “I am tormented,” derives from the Latin noun crux, a cross. Catullus creates the image of his two conflicting emotions ripping his body apart as if he is being crucified. The feelings of hatred and love are painfully tearing either side of him.

The use of the verb excrucio in the passive (“excrucior”) further takes the emphasis off of Catullus and places it on the act of tormenting. He implies that the tormenting is done by the same it, his conflicting emotional state.

In this two-line poem, Catullus reveals that human feelings defy reason. They are involuntary and inexplicable. Catullus himself says that he does not know (“nescio”) and therefore cannot explain it.

Although Catullus is considered an Epicurean thinker, this poem opposes many core principles of mainstream Epicureanism. The school of thought was based in ἀταραξία (English: atraxia), meaning tranquility and freedom. It also emphasized modest pleasure and the avoidance of suffering. The poem stands by itself both structurally and philosophically.